They say you never know a situation until you’re in it. It’s one of the most truthful things anyone has ever said.
I never thought I would ever be in a relationship that was in any way harmful to me. I had heard about it, I had saved friends and family from those relationships, but never did I think I would be involved in something so toxic.
Until you are in it there’s no part of an abusive relationship that you will understand. You’ll never understand why a person stays, or why a person becomes abusive.
I would be lying if I said I wasn’t one of those people who would say ” I wish he would” or, “I would never put up with that” or … “After one time I would never go back” because I was that person. I ate those words in multiple relationships.
Every man I have ever dated has been a project. This is partially the reason for all I have endured. Physical, mental, emotional, and verbal abuse are all things I have allowed myself to go through. It’s extremely embarrassing to say that I stayed through everything I did time after time.
There’s this saying that I think perfectly sums up how I allowed my relationships to change for the worse, and still stayed.
“If you throw a frog into a pot of boiling water it will jump out , but if you throw a frog into a pot of warm water and gradually turn up the heat it won’t notice it will adapt”
Let me just say that I have never had a fairytale idea of what a relationship would be. I know that relationships take work, sacrifice, and lots of hard times. I always thought you had to hold on and make things work. This being said, I had always gone into a relationship with things being good. Along the line somewhere there would be bumps and complications, but nothing I had thought I couldn’t get through with my partner and work through for the greater picture. As the heat on my relationship would slowly rise with stress, animosity, and turmoil. I would adapt and make it work any and every way I could, because that is what I believed I should do.
No matter the things that happened, the names I was called, the broken mess that continued to grow, and my physical and mental health…I stayed. A reason I stayed is because of love, I was madly in love! A combination of apologies, manipulation, and shame all played a part in why I stayed as well.
An apology always came faster than I could even figure out what happened. Most of the time he apologized to the point of crying. The apologies were full of empty promises. He would never hit me again. He would get help. He wouldn’t talk down to me and call me names. He would go to church with me. He would so quickly switch from the man I loved to a monster, and back. It was terrifying.
Aside from the monster, he was an absolute dream. Everything I had ever dreamed of, my best friend, my backbone, and someone I could be completely myself around. We shared so many memories together, and when things were good they were a honeymoon.
I saw so much potential in him. I saw every great thing about who he was and who he could be , and I fell in love. I fell deeper and deeper as the good years passed us by. I put him on such a high pedestal. I saw him to be someone that he no longer was, but I held on. I held onto the times when things were good, and who I remembered him to be. I held onto the idea that he could change. For the years prior he wasn’t this monster. I truly felt in my heart that he could change, that this would pass.
Everyone knows when you’re with someone and you love them, you’re in love with them, it’s hard to leave. Even if you say it isn’t, and you contemplate plans… You never follow through because it’s hard. It’s heart wrenching.
After every apology came a period of good. That’s what kept me. He would do all the things he knew he needed to do to keep me around. He kept me right where he wanted me every single time. And that’s where I stayed. By his side all the way. Every lie and every cover up since the very first incident I told to protect him, to protect us.
I knew that in time I could forgive him for any offense, but the people I loved and loved me would never be so kind and forgiving. I lied to his friends and family, my friends and family, my employer, and anyone who questioned what was going on. I gave up my life for him. I gave up who I was to protect him.
From the outside looking in we were relationship goals. That was all thanks to me. Even during our hardest and darkest times I smiled and I praised him, making him to be a man worthy of all that I gave him. He lived rent free, I paid all the bills, I cooked and served him, he never had to move more than it took for him to open his mouth because I was there to serve all of his needs as soon as he spoke them. He was always fed, clothed, and loved.
In all it was never enough. I loved him with all of myself and I showed it. I was never ashamed of that, I loved him hard and wholeheartedly. I was loyal to him and in my words to him. I was faithful. I gave him everything I had without ever thinking twice about it. I never did anything. I constantly had to defend myself when I didn’t do anything. Somehow he made up stories in his head about what I could be doing and who I could be with or be talking to when he wasn’t around.
I stayed through the countless times my face was pressed up against the wall. The times I was cornered or held down while he was in my face choking me and screaming at me. The bruised and busted lips, bloody noses, bruises on my arms and neck, scars, and the demolition of my self worth. I never knew what was coming and when. Sometimes I felt like he liked to stir things up, to cause chaos, and to push me. Everything was unpredictable when things were bad. He could send me an I love you text and in the next instant I was a horrible cheating rotten bitch. In any situation if I cried, defended myself, or walked away it didn’t matter. We were going to fight, he was going to be verbally abusive and physically abusive until he was satisfied. It was as if he made up pretend scenarios to piss himself off and justify his psychotic outbursts.
Broken promise after broken promise I still enstilled my faith hope and love in him. Every little bit I had left in me I gave to him in hopes that he could change back into the man I fell I love with and not this monster that surfaced. I could still fake a smile, the bruises didn’t stay forever, my body would stop achining, and the anger I felt would leave and I would look at him with love in my eyes yet again.
It was stressful to keep up with covering up what was going on, my feelings, and being physically and emotionally hurt. I was so ashamed and embarrassed during our dark times. Always feeling like I wasn’t enough and everything I did wasn’t enough. Then I only blamed myself. If I did this or that differently, if I looked different.
It’s not like I didn’t know better, because I did. I knew way better. I actually didn’t ever know the relationship style I was living because I had great examples to look up to all around me. This relationship said a lot about him and a lot about myself. We had a lot to work on with ourselves.
After everything was said and done, I still loved him. I still longed for him. I searched for my happiness without him and prayed that he change. As crazy as it sounds I came out better. I found it to be a beautiful situation once I was out and looked at everything positively. If not me, it would have been another girl. A girl who wasn’t as strong or endurin or even a girl who wouldn’t have made it out. That’s the scary reality.
So many other girls share this same story, some have made it and some haven’t, yet. They’re out there and we all know them. It is such a sad reality that I would never want anyone to experience.
When you get out you’ll be lost, you’ll cry but it won’t last forever. It’s a temporary growing pain. You know that you have all the love in the world to give because you have given it to someone undeserving… Give it to yourself! Loving yourself is so important. You’re going to have to let that boy go, and it’s going to be the hardest thing to do. But when you’re with Mr. Right years and years later you won’t remember the pain of that broken heart. Even if you stumble on your way out, I promise the outside is better than the inside.
Every season isn’t yours but when it is be ready because you will be rewarded and your blessings will be plentiful.
I am blooming from the wound where I once bled.
Don’t let your loyalty to him become self served slavery.
♡ B. Tehani LaRue