Self love is tough. We are our own worst critics, and often we criticize ourselves in areas of our lives that go unnoticed by others.
Although most people would say and think that my life is perfect, it’s so far from it. BUT I make it look so. It’s actually a defense mechanism I use. No one knows this though. I can hide my emotions really easily. If no one knows I am down, no one knows I am vulnerable. I think that before this blog there were a lot of areas of my life people had no idea about, or no perception of how things really affect me.
In not loving myself, I have been completely lost in life. Doing things I said I’d never do in ways I said I would never do them. Most of the time trying to be happy for the moment, numbing the pains of not loving myself. It got to the point where I really relied on other’s opinions of me because my self-worth was so low, I began to be consumed with people’s opinion of me. Whatever people thought about me, that was me, or at least what I thought was me.
My self-image was a nasty big black hole. I couldn’t look in the mirror without pointing out every single flaw with my body, and every flaw with my features when I didn’t wear makeup. And even though I always said I never cared about the voices around me, it got to me every time, deeper and deeper. I thought of myself however people saw me or spoke of me. My self-worth was open to the opinions of the masses.
We are all people, humans. So flawed but still so beautiful! Flawed and beautiful? How could that even be so?! It can be and I am proof. So many of us if not all of us are proof that flawed and beautiful are two very opposite terms, but work like magic together! I have lived exactly that life where both of the two intertwine.
It takes a lot of obstacles in life, and a lot of hurt to get to where I’m at right now, but it also takes a lot of great times and great people to make those things bad things less than the good. I’ve grown to love myself and look at myself the way that God looks at me. Loving yourself doesn’t come with a finish line, because it’s a continual journey. I’m not sure if ill ever make it “there”, because I am unsure of where “there” really is. As long as I am happy and growing along my journey, “there” could never come for all I care.
What’s even crazy is I could give some really solid advice to people around me, that I couldn’t even tell myself. I couldn’t ever practice what I preached. Anything I said came so natural when giving advice out to others, but when it came to myself I could think of nothing.
As much as I hate looking back on the darkest times of my life, it’s amazing to see progress. I love myself a little more all the time. Although this year has been one of the first and only times I have really reflected so deeply…exploring MYSELF has been a great journey. I’m changing. Completely. And this process has helped me find myself more than I ever have known who I was before. One day you just wake up and realize you aren’t made for anyone else, you are only made for yourself. People will say that you’ve changed or you’re disloyal. Neither of those things are true… you’re on the road to self-love, and that’s okay. In their own time they will find themselves and love themselves too.
Now a days I can look at myself, and see what I love. I may not be where I want to be, but I farther along in my journey than I used to be. My worth is no longer dependent on the opinions of others. I’m seeing how rare it is to find someone like me. I could go down a list of what sets me apart and makes me a rarity among others. And if I don’t like something, I’m not wasting time being sad about it or beating myself up. I’m fixing it. I don’t have time to pity myself anymore, or to look for others to push my worth upon.
Whoever gets the chance to experience this new me is a winner. And whoever didn’t appreciate me even in the midst of finding myself, still added to my journey and I am thankful for that. The loudest person speaking about your worth has to be yourself! Be the loudest voice in your head, and let every word you say reflect the beautiful and wonderfully made person that you truly are.
Unapologetically, loving myself.
♡ B. Tehani LaRue