Can you feel me missing you? I think about you often, every day in fact. Some days more than others. I wonder how much of every day you watch me, filling the skies with the light from your smile.
It doesn’t matter that you’ve been gone for years now. That most the people in my life now I’ve never even got to introduce to you. I still think about you all the time. I wish you were here.
I wonder if you watch me and shake your head when I do something stupid, when I act on impulse, or when I fall for another stupid boy.
I wonder if you’re proud of me ..
I wonder if you talk to the other angels about me, if you share stories about the little kolohe girl I used to be, and the woman I am becoming. Sometimes I wonder what you think of me. Of the laundry I have piling up, of my fast paced life, or of the men that I’ve loved hoping they could be even a little bit of you.
I wonder if you’ve forgiven me for not loving you in all the ways that I should have while you were here. I talk to you so often now, and get no response. I wonder if you’re shaking your head because I didn’t know then that I wouldn’t have you now.
I wonder how tightly you would hold me…
If you were still alive I wouldn’t have such a hard time explaining to others how much you mean to me, how amazing of a man you were. If you were alive I would have one less tattoo. I often wonder what you think about that too.
If you were still alive I wouldn’t burst into tears the day of your birth and the day of your passing every year, and all the days in between.
Because I know you’re up there with the angels, I wonder if you listen to me pray. If you’re the one guiding my footsteps and pushing me through when I have no more to give. I wonder if when things work out in my favor it’s by your doing. Reminding me that I am here and loved.
If you were still alive I wouldn’t have to talk to you through prayers or endless letters placed at your grave site. I could just call, text, or show up at your doorstep ready to talk for hours on end.
I wonder if we’re ever thinking about each other at the same time. It’s been a long road without you here. As much as I miss you I’m thankful for your eternal love.
“The absence of you carved a hole in my chest, still aching despite the passing of time. If I could talk to you now, fix my gaze on your face, or rest in your unwavering embrace, I wouldn’t let go. Nothing could have prepared me for the loss of you.”
– Sarah Elle Emm
Rest in love my angel
Peter Kalehua Kalima